Bad Parenting or Ineffective Parenting is not how we should ever label parenting styles. As parents we have all tried our best to deal with difficult situations. There is no "good parent" and "bad parent." Instead, there are individuals who can be helped to develop the resources they need to be responsible for themselves and their role in their family.

Bad Parenting —What Can I Do?

My kids. 9 and 11 years old, are driving me nuts! I try to be consistent, patient and understanding, but sometimes they just seem to be so persistent that I lose it and yell, nag or even threaten to send them my mother’s house to live! Of course they know that I wouldn’t send them to Grandma’s, but it seems that they don’t respect my decisions or believe me when I set a consequence. I had not been consistent when they were younger (I had a hectic work schedule and felt so beat by evening that I practically gave in to their demands). But now, I’m home by 3 PM and should be able to be more on top of things. What do you suggest?

Does this sound familiar to you? If it does, then you are not alone. Everyone at some point feels like they are a bad parent, it's all in the skills that you learn and use to control the urges of ineffective parenting and the consistency with which you apply those lessons.

Please realize that using the term "bad parent", does NOT mean that you are a bad parent, just not as effective a parent as you could be, which is why I have given you some tools and ways to show you how to a more effective parent.

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Examples of Ineffective Parenting

Inconsistent Reinforcement
Shaming
Rejection
Aggression
Intimidation
Indifference

It may seem obvious to the Average Joe that these would be "bad parenting", but it is not always so obvious. Parenting is learned, we learn it from our parents, so if our parents were ineffective, then it makes sense that we will be an ineffective parent, and in turn, our children will also be practice ineffective parenting, so BREAK THE CYCLE!

Effects of Ineffective Parenting

Lower grades in children
Emotional andbehavioral problems
Youth violence
Drug and alcohol abuse by children
Eating disorders

How do we prevent these effects from ineffective parenting from happening? We have already looked at some things that just don't work in ineffective parenting, now it's time to look at how to resolve these skills as a bad parent and turn them around to become effective.

Let’s take a look at some of the most commonineffective parenting mistakes that parents seem to make and what you can do about them.

When maybe really means no
One of the most frequent mistakes of being a bad parent is trying to sidestep an issue with their children by saying "maybe" or "perhaps" when they absolutely know that they will not or cannot comply with the request. Why do we do this? Well, to buy time, that’s why! Most folks do not like disappointing their kids, or having to endure a barrage of nagging, whining and pleading. At the moment they will do just about anything to avoid saying no and that’s when the fun begins. It really only buys them a few minutes or maybe hours, and children who can’t remember to brush their teeth never forget when you’ve said "maybe" to a request. It’s just a fact of kid human nature; it’s nothing that you’ve done wrong. A Bad Parent wants to avoid a fuss and kids want what they want when they want it. Pure and simple.

When no may really mean yes
Then there’s the ineffective parenting mind set that drives kids nuts—when their requests are automatically denied with a definite and resounding no from a parent who really hasn’t even processed it. As soon as Mom or Dad hears “Hey, can we…..?” you say no without really listening to the request. It’s almost as if you’re on auto-pilot and even if the kid asked for something reasonable, you’ve denied it without hearing the child out. Of course, that method doesn’t sit well with the troops as they feel that you don’t listen or care about their feelings, wants and desires. This is definitely bad parenting!

When yelling is your first reaction
Have you turned into the screamer that you always said that you’d never be? Do you reprimand loudly as a knee-jerk reaction to your child’s rudeness or misbehavior? Or, do you say things that, the minute they’re out of your mouth, you regret having said? Well, join the club, as many parents find themselves behaving in ineffective ways toward their children that they are embarrassed to admit. Kids have a way of pushing our hot buttons, and some children are pros at it! But, that doesn’t negate the negative effects that screaming, reprimanding in a nasty tone of voice, or calling kids names (stupid, irresponsible, lazy) have upon your child’s self-esteem. Hurtful comments can be apologized for, but they are never really forgotten, or forgiven. Children become resentful when they are screamed at, and rarely is this an effective way of getting your child’s attention.

When consequences don’t matter
It’s all too common when we are given a 10-day prescription for, say, an upper respiratory infection, to stop taking the meds after 7 days as the symptoms appear to be waning and we’re feeling better. But, all too often we find ourselves back at the doctor’s office the next week because the watered down medication regimen didn’t work and another round of antibiotics is in order. Analogous to that situation is using watered down, ineffective consequences with our children. So ineffective parenting may employ too-short time-out periods, or time-out in the bedroom with the kid’s CD player, TV or toys available. Or, they take away electronics privileges (anything that plugs into the wall or uses batteries) for only an hour or two during which the child is easily distracted by playing with siblings or enjoying a board game.

On the reward side of consequences, many folks use privileges as dangling carrots that are just not that big of a deal to their kids (a trip to the library, 50 cents daily allowance for a 14-year-old). Of course these consequences won’t get the kid’s attention, they don’t really matter! Recently I was speaking with a girl at my daughter's school who told me that the only consequence that occurred in school for not turning in homework was that “his card was flipped” (from the green to the yellow and then to the red). When I asked what happened if the day ended with the card on the red he noted that “nothing happens…that’s why I don’t bother to do my homework.” Wrong answer, but honest from the kid’s point of view!

Unlike other parenting books that tell parents the one "correct" way to appropriately parent our children, Good Parents Bad Parenting: How To Parent Together When Your Parenting Styles Are Worlds Apart defines the three basic parenting styles and allows you, the parents, to choose how to appropriately parent your children.

With every chapter you read, . . .
Your confidence as a parent will soar!
You will know when someone is giving you bad or good parenting advice!
You will amaze your friends and family when your child behaves appropriately and thrives in school and in life!
Other parents will ask you, "What is your secret? Why are your children so well behaved?"
Purchase "Good Parents Bad Parenting" today and experience in one parenting book what Lisa Dunning, MA, MFT has shared with parents and their children for over 10 years!

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