Helping Children Cope with Divorce

My children have had problems coping with my divorce. They have acted out in numerous ways. My son, who was an infant, is now displaying problems coping with the divorce as well.

Divorce requires coping for all involved parties, but the coping may be particularly difficult for children. There are ways adults can help children adjust. At the top of the list is for the divorcing parents to resolve their own emotional issues as quickly as possible so they can be emotionally available to their children.

Parents also need to understand that their children will be deeply hurt by the news of divorce. There is no way to avoid this. Love, patience and understanding from both parents will go a long way toward helping them cope.

Allow children to express their feelings. Reading to children helps them identify and work through their feelings. Children also need to be reassured that the divorce was not their fault. Please look at our recommended book page for books for children who are coping with divorce.

Some ways to help your children cope with your divorce are:

Support your child's relationship with the other parent and the extended family. Children need ongoing contact with both parents. Try to be positive, or at least neutral about the other parent. They need to know it is still okay to love both parents. Children often feel "caught in the middle" when they are expected to carry messages, make phone calls, collect child support, or spy on the other parent. Don't expect children to carry out these roles.

Parents sometimes become overly permissive with children out of a sense of guilt or due to a lack of energy for parenting. Limits provide security and boundaries for children and need to be consistently enforced by both parents.

A stable environment is one factor that has a strong influence on how children adjust to divorce. If possible, keep their daily routines as free of change as possible. This includes school, childcare, living situations, finances, friends and family.

Seek professional counseling if needed. This is especially important when children seem to be having difficulty adjusting or exhibit stress related behavior longer than two or three months. It is a sign of strong families to be able to identify a problem and to seek help in solving it.

How your children adjust is directly related to how you as the parent are adjusting to the divorce. Nevertheless, the way the family operates can be quite different according to the age, gender, and number of children in the family. Many children will react differently according to the support they get from their parents, how much tension there is in the family structure, and how the visitation is affecting the children. The age at onset of the divorce can also be a factor when dealing with how the children will react to divorce. At different ages, children react differently :

Birth to 18 Months (Infancy):

Possible Reactions:
Uneasy stomach
Irregular eating habits
Loss of appetite

Remedy Ideas for Parents:
Maintain a normal routine
Rely on friends and family for help
Provide the child with his or her favorite toys or security items
Make sure you get your rest, so you are alert when he or she is awake

18 Months/ 3 Years (Toddlers):

Possible Reactions:An increase in crying
Wanting more attention than usual
May discover anger and not understand it
Difficulties sleeping
Irregular habits forming

Remedy Ideas for Parents:
Have a normal routine
Be very nurturing, extra attention
Spend quality time with the child
Do not show tenseness with actions
Look to friends and relatives to spend some time with the child

3/5 years (Pre-schoolers):

Possible Reactions:
Uncertain feelings about the future
Feeling a sense of responsibility
Keeping anger trapped inside
Nightmares may start
Unpleasant thoughts or ideas

Remedy Ideas for Parents:
Read books to your child
Set-up specific time for them each day
Encourage your child to talk
Ensure his or her safety
Ensure visitation with estranged spouse
Encourage visitation if it is needed

6/11 (Elementary School Years):

Possible Reactions:
Believes parents are getting back together
Feels rejected by parent who left the house
Feels insecure financially and about the future
Looks back all the time to what was
Plays sick to stay home from school
Feels abandoned and alone

Remedy Ideas for Parents:
Try to get the child to open up
Share your emotions
Spend quality time with each other
Reassure safety
Reassure the family atmosphere as much as possible
Respect the child and his or her privacy
Talk about things of mutual interest other than the problems
Encourage outside school activities

11/18 Years (Early-Late Adolescence):

Possible Reactions:
Feels anger and hatred
May try to take advantage of both parents
Behavior is very unpredictable
Feels alone
Tries to push the blame on one parent
Feels more mature than others
Financial worries

Remedy Ideas for Parents:
Keep up as much communication as possible
Share as many experiences as possible
Keep an eye out for the child's actions with school, etc.
Do not involve the child in parental disputes
Consider family counseling
Watch you actions regarding new relationships
Have household rules and maintain them

Although children adjust differently to divorce, most experience considerable distress during the early stages of this process, and some have negative thoughts and painful memories that endure. However children can develop significant strengths as they learn to cope with the difficult changes.

Parents can help by avoiding verbal aggression toward one another and cooperatively working out custody and other child related differences. Unresolved, seething conflict is very stressful to children. Seek help and support from friends, family, support groups, and if you want, counselors or psychologists. The worst problems for children stem from parental conflict, before, during, and after divorce or within marriage.

For your child, support from both parents may be the best tool for coping with the challenges of divorce.

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