Children at different ages dealing with Step Families

Typical reactions and thoughts of children at different ages in blended families.

When two people marry, each needs to be willing to compromise. When one or both of those people bring with them dependent children, those compromises become more complicated. Families must decide whether they will just share living space or if they will blend into a new family unit. Some families find blending easy. For others, it is very difficult. Studies show the age of children involved in blending is important. Knowing typical reactions and thoughts of different ages may help us know how to handle tensions. Following are some typical reactions and thoughts of children at different ages.

Preschoolers
Preschoolers believe in magic! For them, divorce is seldom final. Because they believe their family may one day be reunited, remarriage may be a threat. Many preschoolers carry guilt with thoughts such as, "Daddy left because I didn't make my bed," or, "If I had helped more Mommy would not have gone away." Parents can help by being sensitive to these feelings, frequently reassuring and listening to their preschool-aged children. Know, however, that their feelings are common and not easily dispelled. Do not think because you say it once a preschooler believes it. Repeated reassurance that you love the child is important.

On the other side, preschoolers adjust relatively easily to having two homes and two sets of rules. Their view of time is very limited-to them, "forever" is "tomorrow." They may fear being abandoned and become concerned about losing the other parent in remarriage. As long as they are reassured of the love of both parents, they handle most changes fairly well.

Let the child know it is okay to love the step-parent. However, do not insist on immediate love. Assure them it is possible to love both parents and step-parents. It is harmful to make a preschooler (or any child) choose between important people in their lives.

School-Age Children (6-10)
School-age children also feel a great sense of guilt over a divorce. This feeling may be seen in failures at school or other activities. These children frequently feel as if everything is out of control. Try to give them some control of their personal lives. Let them choose what clothes and hairstyles to wear, or how their rooms are arranged and kept. If the mess becomes overwhelming, set standards and a deadline for the youngster to clean it up.

Remarriage reinforces that the natural parents will not get back together. This may restart the grieving process and cause children to appear disorganized or lazy. Giving them opportunities to talk about feelings. Their loss is important.

Preteens (11-13)
Keep in mind that adolescence is the time when children begin to pull away from the family. They are beginning to test their independence. They still need the security of knowing that the family is there for support when they need it, however. This is a trying time for most families. If children have been encouraged to make their own decisions and live with the consequences, good or bad, they will have less need to test the system. Most youngsters are interested in the benefits of adulthood but try to ignore the responsibilities. Part of a parent's job at this stage is to help children think through what might happen if various actions are taken. Do not try to make their decisions. This may encourage them to take a less acceptable alternative just to show their independence. Instead, give them options and let them choose. Then, let natural consequences follow. An allowance at this time should be coupled with a clear understanding of what it covers. Children who decide they need more money may need to find a job to earn the difference, or set priorities on where to spend their money.

Teens (13-18)
Although teens are becoming aware of their sexuality, they tend to see their parents as nonsexual. The parents' honeymoon period may be uncomfortable for teens and adolescents, particularly if the couple is affectionate in their presence.

In single-parent families, many teens and adolescents take on adult roles. They become part of the decision making and are frequently given responsibility for themselves and siblings. This encourages them to think of themselves as adults. Many of these youngsters will resent giving up these rights and, to some degree, responsibilities when a parent remarries. Open, honest communication can help pinpoint some of those tasks they want to continue. You may want to develop ways to include these youngsters in decisions which affect them as well.

With both teens and preteens, you may find their search for their identities will lead them to spend more time with the noncustodial parent. Be flexible and let these young people have more say in how their time is spent.

Keep normal child development trends in mind to help you decide how to deal with problems that arise at various times. Is this a normal stage for this age child or is a result of the step family? Many times concerns of step families are in fact normal sibling rivalries or normal steps which are common to all children. Listening to the youngsters and involving them in decisions which involve them should encourage cooperation and understanding.

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