Children dealing with a new Step Family

It takes children time to adjust to the new step family arrangement.

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To your child, a new partner is a stranger. They'll need time to get to know him or her and to trust them. Introduce them gradually and try not to push your child into giving your new partner affection. Remember that a new partner can never replace a parent but can be an extra support for your children. New partners can help you all to focus on what might work best for the children. As you move together with your relationship, take time to involve your children in changes in living arrangements and hopes for the future.

Before coming together as a step family it may be worth working out each other�s attitude to raising children. It may be that you need to work out new routines and ways of doing things that are unique to this new family. You will all be learning to share time and space with each other: Your child may have to learn how to share you and your ex-partner with others, like stepsisters or stepbrothers. Sometimes they may feel that they're not being treated fairly. Your child may also have to share their house and possessions with others.

Children experiencing the stresses of new family life can become behaviorally very difficult which makes it hard for those looking after them and this puts strain on the new relationships. A stepparent coming in may be rejected by children as they are seen as an intruding outsider, an unsatisfactory replacement of their real parent. The child may feel that the stepparent is the cause of their parents� separation and that if he and she were out of the way, then their family would get back together. This would cause them to treat the stepparent with hostility.

They may be jealous of the time their parent is giving to the stepparent when previously the child had them to him/herself and they then become competitive with the stepparent. Having already experienced the breakup of one relationship they may feel at fault and test the new relationship for solidity and the ability to be held within it. To them it is quite possible that the closer a new stepparent becomes, the more clear it is that their real father or mother will not be coming back. A marriage can make this even more apparent.

Children at different ages may react differently to the new relationship, to get an idea of how children at each age group react to the step parent situation, click here. Some children may welcome the stepparent, and others will feel hostile to them. Some may even reject the biological parent who is absent from their home for the stepparent. Working out how children stay in contact with your ex-partner can bring additional stress to the step family.

In most step families children will be feeling hurt and angry. Try to make arrangements with your ex for your children to see them and with as little conflict between you as possible. Don�t get children involved in taking sides. They need to know they are still loved by both their parents. Not to be made to feel guilty that you�ve split up.

Unless things have been managed very carefully they are likely to have lost ease of relationship with at least one parent. Separations are rarely managed gracefully and relationships between separated parties are often strained or antagonistic. Children may have lost having mother or father to themselves, their home, familiarity and their position in the family if the stepparent has children of their own.

Other pressures on children include the situation where they become go-betweens, split in their loyalty between warring parents or they may be used as weapons. Some parents feel jealous or threatened by their ex-partners new relationship and use their children become informers. Some parents work to turn their children against their ex and his or her new partner. Others make access arrangements very difficult or use the threat of limiting access rights if their ex partner does not conform to their wishes. Clearly all of these situations are emotionally abusive, putting the child in painful and difficult positions where they become dreadfully torn and split.

Here are some general guidelines to help your children adjust to the step family situation

Give children their own space. When you set up home again with a new partner it is important that all the children have some privacy and a space they can claim as their own.
Be patient � your children will need time to get to know and trust your new partner and their children.
Keep a fair approach to all the children � there will be arguments but try not to side with your children rather than your partner�s.
Keep talking � with families joining together it is important to make time to listen to everyone�s views and see if there are new ways of doing things that will keep most people happy.
Allow children to be unhappy sometimes � it may be a new life for you and your new partner but for the children involved it will signal an end. Allow them time to grieve for the old way.
Involve older children in decisions around sharing two households; take their views into consideration when making future arrangements.
Listen to your children - even if the things they say are negative, it is important that they feel heard. Seek support for yourself if you find it hard to hear the things they say.
Try to spend time alone with your child to reassure them your love for them has not changed.
Be prepared � sometimes it may seem that young children have adapted easily to the change in their family but things may come up again when they hit their teens!

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