What to do when you and your co parent disagree

For a very real percentage of divorcing parents, however, the process of parting and the years that follow involve frustrating, infuriating, and hurtful exchanges. Two people who once vowed to spend the rest of their lives together may suddenly view one another as enemies, or at least as deficient or irresponsible parents.

The groundwork is laid for years of angry, difficult encounters -- anger that he doesn't send the soccer shoes back after the weekend. Sadness that she fails to show for visits with children who miss her. Anxiety that he won't buckle the children safely as he drives off with the kids and his new girlfriend. Fear that she will lose control of her volatile temper and say hurtful things to the children. Frustration when he again arrives late to get the children in an apparent effort to stall their mom from making it to work on time. Resentment over her refusal to help pay for school clothes. All of these things make it difficult to co parent.

Dealing with a difficult ex-spouse can be very discouraging and defeating. Yet, we are called to continue trying to pursue good, to “turn the other cheek”, and “walk the extra mile.” Hopefully the following tips can aid you in your efforts to cope—because it’s all about the children.

Stepparents should communicate a “non-threatening" posture to the same-gender ex-spouse. An ex-wife, for example, may continue negativity because she is threatened by the presence of the new stepmother. It is helpful if the stepmother will communicate the following either by phone or email: “I just want you to know that I value your role with your children and I will never try to replace you. You are their mother and I’m not. I will support your decisions with the children, have them to your house on time, and never talk badly about you to the children. You have my word on that.” This helps to alleviate the need of the biological mother to bad-mouth the stepparent or the new marriage in order to keep her children’s loyalties.

Keep your “business meetings” impersonal to avoid excessive conflict. One way that co parents disagree is when they have face-to-face interactions, which has the most potential for conflict. Use the phone when possible or even talk to their answering machine if personal communication erupts into arguments. Use email or faxes when possible. Keep children from being exposed to negative interaction when it’s within your power.

Use a script to help you through negotiations. This strategy has helped thousands of parents. In order to avoid a disagreement with your co parent, before making a phone call, take the time to write out your thoughts including what you’ll say and not say. Also, anticipate what the other might say that will hurt or anger you. Stick to the business at hand and don’t get hooked into old arguments that won’t be solved with another fight.

Whenever possible, agree with some aspect of what your ex-spouse is suggesting. This good business principle applies in parenting as well. Even if you and your co parent disagree with the main point, find some common ground.

Manage conversations by staying on matters of parenting. It is common for the conversations of “angry associate” co-parents to disagree and gravitate back toward negative personal matters of the past. Actively work to keep conversations focused on the children. If the conversation digresses to “old marital junk,” say something like, “I’d rather we discuss the schedule for this weekend. Where would you like to meet?” If the other continues to shift the conversation back to hurtful matters assertively say, “I’m sorry. I’m not interested in discussing us again. Let’s try this again later when we can focus on the weekend schedule.” Then, politely hang up the phone or walk away. Come back later and try again to stay on the parenting subject at hand.

Remember that for children, choosing sides stinks! Children don’t want to compare their parents or choose one over the other. They simply want your permission to love each of you. This is especially important when the two of you can’t get along.

Wrestle with forgiveness. Hurt feelings from the past are the number one reason co parents disagree with one another. Do your part by striving to forgive them for the offenses of the past (and present). This will help you manage your emotions when dealing with them in the present.

Work hard to respect the other parent and his or her household. For your kids sake, find ways of being respectable even if you honestly can’t respect your ex-spouses lifestyle or choices. Do not personally criticize them, but don’t make excuses for their behavior either.

Common Steps for Co-Parents is a FREE 40-page e-booklet features in a pdf file (Adobe Acrobat Reader required) that outlines the key qualities of successful co-parent relationships. Taken directly from The Smart Step-family, this booklet is being used throughout the world (used with permission).

Some parents, after reading this material, can simply call their ex-spouse, share this e-booklet, and have a rational meeting to discuss how they might better implement the Guidelines for Co-Parents (see e-booklet). If that is within your power, by all means set up the meeting soon. Angry Associates and Fiery Foes (also discussed in the e-booklet), however, will fear a face-to-face meeting, believing it will erupt World War Three.

"You just don't understand. My ex is a jerk and won't listen to anything I say. If I email her a copy of your e-booklet she'll throw it away. I have no control over her attitude." True, you have no control over your ex's attitude, but you may have some influence. Years ago I wrote "An Open Letter to Parents Who Are Divorced" (contained in the e-booklet). It was designed to remind parents of their vital role and invite ex-spouses to consider how they might better cooperate. I had no idea how useful and productive the letter would be to angry, fiery co-parents.

Here's the plan. Email a copy of Common Steps for Co-Parents to your ex-spouse with this written or verbal message: "I have found a helpful resource on step family life and co-parenting. The author of the e-booklet recommended that I share this letter with you; otherwise, I wouldn't impose.

I also want you to know that I've realized I have been violating a few of these principles and am committing myself to do better. Specifically, I've noticed that I am guilty of [provide two examples of mistakes you have made and what you intend to do next time. For example, you could say, "I shouldn't cut into your visitation time by bringing the kids over past five p.m. I'm sorry. My new goal is to be on time, every time. Also, I'm going to stop saying negative things about your new husband. I now see that that puts the kids in a tight spot."] I appreciate your time. [your name]"

There are, of course, no guarantees that sending the e-booklet will change anything; you are simply trying to open the door to change. You must not send a copy of the letter with a message like, "Boy, do you need to read this. You're a terrible co-parent and it's tearing up our kids." Obviously, this attempt to control your ex will re-ignite your battles and close the door to change.

Furthermore, admit your mistakes without asking your ex to evaluate his or her parenting. The influence comes when you admit your failings with no strings attached. This quietly invites the other parent to consider his or her own behavior without pressure from you.

Consider that this co-parenting situation with your former spouse is a test. The immediate goal is to resolve the current issue, but the ultimate goal is to walk away from any interaction, no matter how unpleasant, with a greater sense of peace.

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