How to be an Effective co-parent

An effective co-parent must share the goal of making it as easy as possible for their children to move between their two homes

At a minimum, biological parents who have divorced should contain their anger and conflict in order to cooperate and compromise on issues of the children’s welfare. At a maximum, the co-parents can strive to enforce similar rules and standards of conduct in each of the children’s homes. Most co-parents find it difficult to accomplish the former; only a few are able to achieve the latter. Nevertheless, co-parents should do everything they can to build cooperation between the two homes.

A great tool for this is, ShareKids.com. This is a co-parenting system designed to help individuals in managing child sharing between homes. It minimizes stressful discussions and possible confrontations between custodians and parents who are divorced or separated. ShareKids.com will make lives easier for everyone involved for the most important reason of all: YOUR KIDS!

Your spouse has asked for a divorce and there are children involved. The request has come as a surprise. You cannot believe what you are hearing since you do not recall any clues (denial). Once the dust settles, you may feel sad, angry, hurt, or think “If only . . .” Or all of these things may be happening.

It is difficult to think about having an effective co-parenting relationship with your children’s other parent when you are hurt or angry. There is a tendency to feel that you are the only one that can parent your children effectively. After all, this would not be happening but for the other parent. Add to that the fact that you can’t seem to agree on even the simplest of things.

The reality is that emotions are most likely getting in the way. I have two children of my own and it is a very emotional experience raising them. On top of the regular emotions of raising children, add the emotions related to the divorce. There is a tendency to “hold on” to children even tighter.

Children often become caught in the middle of the adult battle because that is easier than addressing the real issues. It isn’t really easier though, because when parents fight over children, they know it. Furthermore, putting children in this position usually results in adjustment issues, which tend to translate into adult issues. Thus, the cycle continues.

So, how do you co-parent effectively with all of these emotions? The following guidelines will help you help your children move back and forth between their two homes. All effective co-parents should seek to live according to these guidelines. Consider how you might make each a reality in your situation. Remember that you are responsible for your contribution to how you and your ex interact. Change your part of the interaction even if you believe your ex spouse is to blame for the negative exchanges that have occurred in the past.

Work hard to respect the other parent and his or her household. Agree that each parent has a right to privacy, and do not intrude in his or her life. Make space for different parenting styles and rules as there are many healthy ways to raise children. Do not demean the other’s living circumstances, activities, dates or decisions, and give up the need to control your ex’s parenting style. If you have concerns, speak directly to the other parent.

Always make decisions about the children with the other parent away from the children. Once the decision is made, especially if it is a major one (school, moving, religion, what activities they will participate in, etc.), jointly share the decision with your children. If you do not feel you can do this, get into counseling to address the emotional issues that are getting in the way.

Children should have everything they need in each home. Don’t make them bring basic necessities back and forth. Special items, like clothes or a comforting teddy bear, can move back and forth as needed.

Never ask your children to be spies or tattletales on the other home. This places them in a loyalty bind that brings great emotional distress. In fact, be happy when they enjoy the people in their new home. If children offer information about life in the other home, listen and stay neutral in your judgment.

Make your custody structure work for your children even if you don’t like the details of the arrangement. Update the other when changes need to be made to the visitation schedule. Also, inform the other parent of any change in job, living arrangements, etc. which may require an adjustment by the children.

Regarding children who visit for short periods of time or spend time in another home:

* Sometimes it is tempting to only do “special activities” when all the children are with you. That may leave some children feeling that they aren’t as special as others. Do special things with differing combinations of children (it’s all right if someone feels disappointed that he or she wasn’t able to go).
* Let the lives of those living with you remain unaltered, as much as possible, when other children come for visitation.
* Keep toys and possessions in a private spot where they are not to be touched or borrowed unless the owner gives permission (even while they are in the other home).

Help children adjust when going to the other home.

* If the children will go on vacation while in the other home, find out what’s on the agenda. You can help your kids pack special items and needed clothing.
* Provide the other home with information regarding your child’s changes. A switch in preferences (regarding music, clothes, hair styles, foods, etc.) or physical/cognitive/emotional developments can be significant. Let the other home know what is different before the child arrives.

If you and your ex cannot resolve a problem or change in custody or visitation, agree to problem solving through mediation rather than litigation.

Remember that you and your co-parent gave life to your children. It is the responsibility of both of you to raise them. You do not have to agree on every little detail, but you do need to provide consistency with the major details. Learn to respect the other parent and the differences that exist. Each parent has strengths that he or she brings to the parenting relationship, and children need all the strengths you can give them. This is the best way to be an effective co-parent.

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