To achieve effective step parenting, the step parent works with accurate information and chooses specific behaviors to build toward positive relationships.

1. Recognizes the importance of non-custodial parent.
2. Respects the children's need and right to love that parent.
3. Helps stepchildren nurture relationship with non-custodial parent by encouraging them to write, phone, or visit.
4. Allows pictures and mementos of biological parent without creating conflict.
5. Invites the biological parent to important milestone ceremonies and events.
6. Strives to be an added parent figure and friend, rather than substitute parent.
7. Acknowledges existing bond between new spouse and his/her children.
8. Realizes it's natural to feel closer to one's biological children.
9. Reduces jealousy and competition for time and attention. Controls resentment when child and parent need time alone.
10. Allows time for relationships to develop.
11. Focuses on process of developing as a family unit.
12. Values each small success as evidence of relationship growth. Minimizes worrying or trying to force progress.
13. Respects and accepts others as new family forms.
14. Manages own relationships with each child.
15. Avoids interfering in other people's problems unless invited.
16. Encourages family members to care for their own needs and relationships.
17. Understands family life cannot always be happy.
18. Accepts that problems exist. Understands that unhappy experiences teach children coping skills.
19. Allows full expression of emotions whether negative or positive, pleasant or unpleasant.
20. Possesses the courage to be imperfect.
21. Rejects fairy-tale myths and unrealistic media portrayals of step families.
22. Understands every mistake does not reflect cruel-stepparent image.
23. Realizes the way people learn is by making mistakes, thinking about them, and trying again.
24. Shares own mistakes to give children permission to be imperfect and human.
25. Accepts grief and loss as part of life's experience.
26. Encourages children to face the reality of the death or the Divorce that preceded the emergence of the step family.
27. Feels empathy, not sympathy, with children of loss.
28. Helps kids confront and express the feelings that grief elicits.
29. Provides strength and encouragement so children can move in to the future.
30. Permits children to belong to two families with a minimum of fuss.
31. Allows children to spend time with peers, activities and other parent without fearing the stability of the step family is threatened.
32. Plans family activities without forcing participation.
33. Uses time away from children to enhance relationship with spouse.

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