Non Custodial Parent and Co Parenting

The non-custodial parent often feels a huge loss of family, shame and hopelessness about sustaining any meaningful role in their child's life.

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The non-custodial parent often feels a huge loss of family, shame and hopelessness about sustaining any meaningful role in their child's life. Unfortunately, many non-custodial fathers, in particular, give up on trying to parent in such a limited fashion and truly become absent parents. In the short run, it is all too easy to let this happen. The impact on the child's development may be enormous.

Why is it important that the noncustodial parent stay involved? First, most children view their noncustodial parent as significant in their lives. Second in divorced families, children are generally better adjusted when they have a positive relationship with the noncustodial parent. And, the more frequent the visitation between a noncustodial parent and the child, the better the relationship.

Here are some guidelines to have a positive non-custodial relationship with your children:

* Be punctual on your visitation.
* Encourage your child to speak his heart out with you.
* Give them a lot of reassurance that the love you and your ex have for them will never change.
* Involve yourself in every aspect of their life.
* Avoid arguments and quarrels with your ex in front of your children.
* Make your child feel at home when he is with you.
* Work with your ex to develop an effective parenting plan to see your children through as successive individuals.

How can divorced parents arrange the right amount of contact between a child and the noncustodial parent? First, the legal arrangements of your divorce likely will specify the noncustodial parent�s time with the child. In ideal situations, this arrangement will be (or was) negotiated and acceptable to you, your ex-spouse, and your child. If needed, use a mediator to help find an arrangement agreeable to all. Second, for a very young child, more frequent short visits may be better initially than prolonged visits. For older children, let them have some input into the visitation schedule. Flexibility and creativity will be required with teenagers when contact with the noncustodial parent is considered.

The guiding principle should be the following: �What is in the best interest of your child?� Third � and this can be difficult � work cooperatively with your ex-spouse and your child. Take his or her needs, as well as yours, into account as visitation is arranged. Develop a predictable, but flexible, schedule. Allow flexibility to also accommodate your child�s activities: don�t drag him or her away from important activities in order to visit. If you are the noncustodial parent, focus on the quality of contact, as much as the quantity. Quality time does not mean being a �Disneyland� parent but rather working (yes, it is work!) on building a positive relationship with your child. This means doing activities together, being positive with your child, and having clear rules that you consistent ly enforce. With an older child or teenager, you may want to involve his or her friends in some of these activities.

If you are the noncustodial parent and your relationship with your child is primarily negative at the moment, go slowly. Spend brief periods of time with your child and make those times very positive. Gradually, through your efforts, the relationship will turn around. If you are the noncustodial parent and your relationship with your child is positive, longer visits may be beneficial. They will allow you to establish regular routines where your child is more a part of your life rather than being just a visitor in your home.

It is important for your child to have frequent and predictable contact with the noncustodial parent. What this means is that there likely will be an interaction between you and your ex-spouse when your child moves from one home to the other. This transition time, which has been labeled as a �switchover,� can be difficult for both of you and, particularly, for your child.

Why do children have difficulty when making the transition from one parent to the other may be difficult for your child is the change that occurs as he or she moves from one home to the other. Even if parents strive for consistency between their homes, there will be differences. It sometimes takes children a while to adjust to different parenting styles, rules, and surroundings. Many children have a particularly difficult time when they return from a weekend visit. Such post weekend difficulties are sometimes referred to as �reentry problems.� Switching at this time is often made more difficult by the child having to return to the reality of regular life (e.g., school night) from a relatively unstructured time over the weekend.

Children also may have difficulty with switchover's due to uncertainties. If your child, particularly if he is young, is unsure of when he will be with each parent, how long he will be with that parent, and exactly when and where he will be picked up when time with a parent ends, he may experience anxiety and distress. Be sure to tell your child, very clearly, all the details of the visitation schedule. Develop a month-by-month visitation schedule, taking into account holidays, vacations, and special occasions. Each parent should have a copy of this schedule to minimize misunderstandings over when visits will occur.
Confirm with your ex-spouse about when and where visitation �switchover's� will occur.
Have your child ready in advance of the switchover time. Have all clothes and other items packed and ready to go.
If your child is going to need to bring anything special along for the visit, let the other parent know in advance.
Speak to your ex-spouse in advance of any changes in your schedule regarding visitation.
Realize that visitation schedules may change as a function of your child�s activities. Do not try to resolve these changes in front of your child during a switchover.
Don�t make your child responsible for making, canceling, or changing visitation plans. Those are your and your ex-spouse�s responsibilities.
Do not be late or fail to show up for a switchover. If this happens frequently, there is a good chance that your child will think you do not care about him or her.
Deal with issues that need to be resolved with your ex-spouse at times other than the transition of your child from one home to the other.
Remember, don�t use your child to convey messages to your ex-spouse during the transition.

You are the non-custodial parent, and you have a new home that your child is visiting. It is important for that child to feel at home in your new space, and not like a visitor. There are some things that can be done, so that your child feels like they are at home.

Give Him His Own Space: Children need to feel that there are things that 'are mine' at home. His own room at your house is important. Let him help pick out the decor to increase the feeling of ownership.

Keep All of Her Necessities at Both Houses: Don't make it necessary for her to bring a suitcase of clothes, toys, and toiletries when she comes. The routine will flow smoother if you always have what she needs at your house, even if that means duplication of some items.

Build Routines and Be Flexible: Yes, the balancing act gets even trickier when you are co-parenting. Use visual schedules and informal family meetings to plan your weeks and communicate responsibilities. Have both daily routines and weekly rituals to emphasize structure and stability. At the same time, be flexible when your child's schedule conflicts with yours; listen to his needs and work it out.

Understand That Transitions Are Tough: Children need routines and living in two homes makes that difficult. Crying, irritability, and problem behaviors are manifestations of the stress of frequent transitions between homes. Do everything you can to minimize that stress.

Celebrate Each Visit: Many parents make a point of serving a favorite meal or going out for a treat when their child comes to visit. It doesn't hurt to let your child know that you treasure your time together and want it to be fun. Don't fall into the trap of spoiling him or doing things from a sense of guilt; just enjoy a fun ritual that marks the time when your child comes home to you.

There are definite things a non-custodial parent can do if they are living far away from the children. Sometimes this can not be avoided for various reasons, but that does not mean that you can not have a positive loving relationship with your kids.

Very young children need frequent reminders of the absent parent through pictures, voice recordings, cards and songs. Pre-school kids like frequent phone check-ins, letters, stories and taped messages. School age children like knowing that Mom or Dad is involved with their schoolwork, sports or hobbies, no matter what the distance. Separation from your children can be very painful and difficult. If you are a noncustodial parent, especially one who lives some distance away, there are forms of contact other than being physically together. You can telephone, write letters, and, in this age of computers, you can also e-mail your child.

Here are some ideas to help handle this situation.

* Mark down holidays and birthdays on a calendar
* Make contact by sending a card, a present or making a phone call on those days
* Put your address and phone number on your letters so your kids can contact you
* Let your ex know when you expect to be in town well in advance and ask to make contact or remind them in advance if its in the divorce agreement
* If your kid has time with you during holidays, make them a priority for that time. That does not mean constantly entertaining them but simply being available to them.
* Understand that your kid may feel upset, angry, rejected and need time to connect with you.
* Don't push them but give them time to open up

In these days of internet and cell phones, you should be able to keep in touch regularly. You may find it frustrating and upsetting at times but it is worth it. If you now have other kids, either your own or step children, you need to keep your child by first marriage in touch with what's going on in your life and you in theirs. Your kid may feel like they are intruding or even resentful of your new family and you need to find ways to make them feel welcome without disrupting your new family life.

There is no question that being the non-custodial parent is a tough job. It is important to remember that you do have children and that they need you. Most non-custodial parents still want to be a part of the children's lives. Make sure that your children know that and understand that the circumstances just mean that when they do spend time with you how special it is. Remember, that children come first. They are our most important commodity, and when they are sharing homes and possibly other families, they need comfort, stability and love.

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