Step Family tips

The stepfamily has some different challenges than the typical biological family.

The step family has some different challenges than the typical biological family. Some of those challenges include jealousy and disruption from the ex, children and loyalty issues, discipline concerns, favoritism, stepmother issues, stepfather issues and stepchildren issues. Step parenting is a challenge and it helps to have some resources and information. Listed below are some guidelines for step families and some tips for stepfathers, stepmothers, and remarried parents.

It is very helpful if a step family can start out in neutral territory like moving into their own house or apartment. Avoid moving into one of the spouses homes if it was the biological families home first.

Get in the habit of having a weekly family meeting. Allow each member of the family to speak freely on issues. Use the family meetings to plan vacations and fun. Accept influence from the children and give them a feeling of control by allowing them some say so in family decisions.

A healthy couple relationship is a must for a step family to exist. The couple's relationship should come first with the children a very close second. A strong adult relationship can protect the children from another family loss and it can provide the children with a positive model of what a good marriage looks like.

Have realistic expectations. The expectation of "instant love" between stepparents and stepchildren can lead to disappointment and many difficulties. Let the relationships develop slowly over time. Don't force relationships. Allow them to evolve with patience and understanding.
Understand that there will be loyalty issues. Since children are part of two biological parents, they usually have very strong pulls to both of their natural parents. These divided loyalties make is difficult for children to relate comfortably to all of the parental adults in their lives. Understand that rejection of a stepparent might not have anything to do with the personal characteristics of the stepparent. As the children and adults learn that they can care for more that two parental adults, then the loyalty issues and conflicts can diminish and the step-relationships can improve.
Work at not getting the children caught in the middle of ex-spouses issues. Do your best to maintain a courteous relationship for the well-being of the children.

Create new family patterns and traditions.
Show respect for your stepchildren. Let the biological parent do most of the discipline until the stepchild feels comfortable with your parental role.
If your family includes "visiting" children understand that they usually feel strange and like outsiders in your neighborhood. It helps if they can have their own space in your home. This can be a drawer or shelf for their personal possessions that no one else has. Some place or space that is all their own is very helpful.
Include the "visiting" stepchildren in family chores and projects. They will feel more connected to the group in this way. Allow them to bring a friend with them occasionally to visit to help with the adjustment
Because step families are born of loss, a mixture of feelings can show their selves quite often. These feelings include jealousy, rejection, guilt, anger, frustration, hurt and disappointment. Seek understanding when these feelings arise. Allow them to surface and release. Empathize as much as possible. Try to walk in their shoes and feel their feelings.
Children have a family history that can cause conflict in trying to blend together as a step family. Develop new ways of coming together as a family and new traditions that are just the step families.

As a stepparent don't try to compete with the biological parent.

Tips for Stepfathers

Build a friendship with your stepchild before attempting discipline. Be patient. Research shows it can take up to two years before the child will be comfortable with your discipline.
Work as a team with your new partner to establish new house rules and methods of discipline.

If you feel the biological mom is being unreasonable with her child, take the side of the stepchild. This will begin to build some trust with you and the child.

Take part in family meetings and be open for suggestions from the children on chores and special tasks that need to be done.

Talk to your spouse in private if you feel undermined or left out.
Respect each other's privacy. Knock on doors before entering. Be an example of respect and courtesy.

Becoming a stepfather means new relationships, new struggles, and new joys. Keys to Successful Step fathering (Barron's Parenting keys) is a commonsense, practical guide that helps stepfathers ease into their new role. The author emphasizes how stepfathers must replace wishful thinking with realistic expectations. Suggestions for getting along with stepchildren and building lasting relationships, managing conflict, establishing authority, and communicating in a positive way are all included to help men fully enjoy the rewards of being a stepfather.

Tips for Stepmothers

Accept your role of stepmother and don't try to become the mother.

Understand relationships take time to develop. Love for your stepchildren will not happen overnight if at all. Work on liking them first. Look for the good in them and respect them and their privacy.
Don't get into the blame game. You are not responsible for every misbehavior of your stepchild. Seek understanding instead of blame.

Make yourself available for your stepchildren. Do some one on one activities with them to build rapport.

Work as a team with your partner to build new house rules and traditions.

Take care of yourself. Participate in your own activities and hobbies. The better you feel the easier it is to accept and love others.

Here are practical suggestions for achieving harmony in your step family. The "myths" about step mothering are discussed as are ways to merge two families and avoid misunderstandings between you and your stepchildren, and you and your fiance/husband. Encouraging and timely, Keys to Successful Step mothering (Barron's Parenting Keys) helps you develop a healthy step family--one filled with rewards.

Tips for Remarried Parents

Give your partner time to develop a relationship with your children.

Listen to your partner and what they observe with your children.

Allow your partner and their children to have a chance to interact and do things alone.

Do things alone with your child occasionally and assure them with words and actions of your love for them.

Be honest with your feelings with your spouse. Speak for yourself by using "I" statements and don't point the finger or put your partner on the defense.

Give each other the opportunity to speak freely without fear of rejection. Encourage openness instead of becoming like a volcano that one day will erupt.

Ron Deal explodes the myth of the ''blended'' family in The Smart Step family: New Seven Steps to a Healthy Family, as he provides practical, realistic solutions to the issues that step families face. He helps remarried and soon-to-be married couples: Recognize the unique personality and place of each family member; Solve the everyday puzzles of step parenting and stepchildren relationships; Learn communication skills to deal with ex-spouses; Honor families of origin while developing new traditions; Invest the time to grow their step family slowly rather than look for instant results.

A Step family is a unique structure all of its own and there are some new rules and advice that should be followed to allow for a greater chance of success. Step families need to have their own rules and guidelines above and beyond any biological family.

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