Teen Friendship

Teenagers, as they mature into adults, tend to be more selective of their friends.

Help your teen choose the right friends and peer groups with, Help Me With My Teenager! A Step-by-Step Guide for Parents that Works

Teenagers, as they mature into adults, tend to be more selective of their friends. Friendships for teens are based more on status, common interests, values and personalities. This is an important change for parents to acknowledge. Parents are less likely to know through normal associations with whom their teens are friends. Much of what you may know about their friends is second hand information through your teen or their siblings.

Friendships provide teens with opportunities to develop conflict resolution skills. Teens can learn how to end a fight and still remain friends. Friends provide fun and excitement for teens through companionship and recreation. Friends also give advice to one another and they talk through lots of issues and problems with each other. Loyalty is a valued trait in friendship. Teens are looking for loyal allies that can help them out at school or in their own neighborhood. Friendships also provide stability during times of stress or transition. It is helpful to teens to have a friend who is going through the same situations and can ease the anxieties of the times.

Teens' Friends Become Part of their Baseline.
As the teenager years unfold, and the teen becomes more independent from parents, the close emotional relationships tend to move more toward their peers. Our teens will largely find their needs for understanding, support and guidance coming more from friends than from family. It is a natural part of growing up, but can be a little disconcerting for a father or mother.

Friends Define Social Status.
Every high school and junior high school has its groups or cliques. Teens usually will find themselves in one of these groups, largely based on the friends they choose. They will tend to affiliate with the groups where they have friends and feel comfortable.

Teen Friendships Move From Same Gender to Other Gender.
For most children, their early friendships are mostly same gender. Best friends are almost always two boys or two girls. But as teens mature and the hormones take over, friendships begin to shift into mixed groups of boys and girls, and later to some level of pairing off. Early teen friendship groups help teens explore their new feelings and get to a comfort level with the opposite sex.

Teens' Social Needs Differ.
Any parent who has had more than one teenager recognizes that their social development comes in different stages and cycles. Moms and dads will often have a tendency to try to push children into a stage for which they many not be prepared. But unless your teen has a pathological fear of friendships, you should let them move at their own speed into closer friendships and relationships.

As parents, it is important to encourage friendships among teens. However, it is vital to know who your teen's friends are and to communicate openly about changes in peer relationships and friendships with your teens.You can help your teen in choosing their friends, although the ultimate decision remains with your teenager. Use teachable moments to talk about what makes a good friend. Points to remember when talking about friendships with your teenager:

You are allowed to have many friends.
Honesty is important in a friendship.
Friends sometimes hurt each other, but they can apologize and forgive.
Friends can influence each other, both in a positive way and in a negative way.
Who you choose to be your friend is important, it is essential that you choose wisely and that you benefit from the friendship.
It takes many learned skills to make and maintain a friendship; it also takes many skills to end a friendship.
It is okay and even beneficial to make friends with the opposite gender.
It takes time to make a good friend, but it is worth the effort as having a confident can help a teenager with stress.
Spending time together will help you get to know your friends well, so that you can feel comfortable sharing feelings.
A good friendship will make you feel good about yourself.

What happens when youth don't have friends? Teens without friends tend to be more lonely and unhappy. They tend to have lower levels of academic achievement and lower self esteem. As they get older, they are more apt to drop out of school and to get involved in delinquent activities. Image Isolation can be devastating for a teen and warrants attention. Peer group and friendships are vital at this age and a child who seems to have no friends can be acutely unhappy. If your teen doesn't appear to have any close peers, here are some tips on helping them:

Make it easy for them to talk to you.
Forcing the issue will make your teen clam up. Make it easy for them to introduce the subject herself - ask what think of a TV programe or magazine article on a related topic. Share a humorous story about a social challenge from your own teen years. Be aware that your teen may use the same tactic themselves. Look for signals that they want to talk and be ready to respond.

Keep anxiety levels down.
Avoid imposing your own anxiety on the situation. Acknowledge the hurt your teen may be feeling but stress that they are neither alone nor abnormal - many teens face the same challenge. Reassure them that though they are going through a difficult phase, it will pass.

Help to problem-solve.
Teens want support, but hate parental interference. Try to play the role of an objective outside counselor, sharing information and helping your teen to generate ideas. Let them take ownership of solutions. Clubs or part-time jobs are tried and true plans, or your teen might prefer volunteer work, which offers social opportunities and can raise self-esteem. Drama or public speaking can build confidence.

Give positive feedback.
Unpopularity can lower a teens self-esteem which, in turn, makes a difficult situation worse. Go out of your way to give positive reinforcement and build your teens confidence.

Watch for signs of depression.
Be aware that the problem may be more than just 'shyness' or 'being at an awkward age'. Keep a careful watch on their moods and be ready to seek professional intervention if serious depression occurs. Signs may include withdrawal, declining school performance, mood swings, sadness and sleep changes.

Some important final things to remember about teen friendships and their peers. Being a teenager is a stage in life, just like any other stage, and having friends is an important part of that phase. Be happy when your teen tends to spend more time with their peers. They are more mobile so more time is spent without parental supervision. Trust them as they gather together with groups of other teens who they can identify with. Remember, that after the teen years, you will still be the parent.

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