Tell the Children about Divorce

Telling my children that we were getting a divorce was hard for me, but harder for them.

HOW DO I TELL THE KIDSABOUT THE DIVORCE?

… a Create-a-Storybook™ Guide

To Preparing Your Children – with Love!

Endorsed by therapists, attorneys, mediators, educators, clergy and other divorce professionals.

If you and your spouse are discussing divorce, there are some things to consider before speaking to your children. They are going to have questions, and you need to have answers.

Some typical questions that children may have when you tell them you are getting a divorce could be...

1. Will I be left alone?
2. Where will I live?
3. Will I ever see Daddy (Mommy) again?
4. What happens if I get sick?
5. Will I stay with my brothers and sisters?
6. If I'm really good and never act up again, will Daddy (Mommy) come back?
7. Who will feed me? Will I have enough to eat?
8. Now that Daddy (Mommy) is leaving, will Mommy (Daddy) leave soon too?
9. My friend _____ had to move to an apartment and share a room with a brother or sister when her parents divorced. Will we do that too?
10. What did I do to cause this? Maybe it was (some recent transgression). Or maybe it was (something else they've done wrong recently). I'll make sure I never, never do that again, and then we'll all be together again.

It is very important that before you tell your children that you and your spouse sit down and cover the bases together. It is also important to wait until you are both calm and collected before discussing it with the kids. Both parents should be present and active in the discussion and both parents should be in agreement with the answers you may or may not give to your children. Both parents need to convey the idea that they both intend to be in the children's life and the the divorce is not about them.

Some guidelines you may want to consider following when telling them about the divorce are...

1. Tell them shortly before they will see the change (typically a few days before one of the spouses moves out).
2. Try to have the whole family present (both spouses and all children).
3. Within the bounds of propriety, be honest. If at all possible, and if you can do it without assessing blame, tell them what you can about why you are divorcing. One of the most frequent complaints of children of divorce, even long after the divorce, is that they never heard any reason why their parents divorced.
4. Tell them as much as you know about when one of you plans to move out, and when they will next see the parent who is leaving.
5. Tell them as much as you know about how their lives will change (where they will live, where they will go to school, where the dog will be, etc.)
6. Reassure them that they did not cause the divorce.
7. Encourage them to ask questions, and assure them that they can ask questions later as well.

Remember that divorce is confusing for children. When you first talk with children, limit your discussion to the most important and most immediate issues; children can become confused if they are given too much information at once. Children need to hear that their basic needs will be met, that someone will still fix breakfast in the morning, help them with their homework, and tuck them into bed at night.

Children also need to know that their relationship with BOTH parents will continue, if possible. In the face of so many changes, children also need to hear what will remain the same. Parents can reassure their children through words and actions that their love will continue despite the changes in routine family life.

During these family discussions, it is important for parents to tell children that the divorce is final and avoid giving children false hopes that the parents will reunite. Parents can also use this time to tell children that the divorce is not their fault. Many children believe that the divorce is a result of something that they did. Even younger children who seem to have no understanding of what is going on may need extra reassurance during this time.

Remember to ask children about their fears and concerns. Give children time to think about the divorce and the changes ahead. Meet again as a family to talk about new questions and to reassure children of your ongoing involvement in their lives. Earthquake in Zipland: The world's first research-based computer game designed to help kids deal with divorce, and it is a great game that can help kids deal with divorce.

Realize that feelings of loss and anger are typical. You can’t change your child’s feelings, but it is important to let your child know you understand them. For example, "I know you must be really sad that you can’t see your dad today."

If your children are having trouble coping with the news of your divorce, all they may need is some cuddling and a little extra attention. But sometimes it's not that simple. When your children need more than what you can give them, consider involving a school counselor, mental health professional, social worker, relative, or another adult who's especially close to your children. Participating in a support group may also be helpful to older children.

Tell your children's teachers, baby-sitters and other caregivers, the parents of their close friends, and any other adults they see regularly about your divorce plans. Your heads-up will help them to understand that any significant changes in your children's behavior may be traced to your divorce. Ask these adults to keep you informed of any such changes.

It is also very important to monitor your own behavior around your children regarding the divorce. Here are some helpful tips...

* Don't fight with your spouse when your children are around.

* Don't say negative things about your spouse to your children or to someone else within hearing distance of your children.

* Don't get overly emotional around your children about your divorce or your life after the divorce. You risk increasing their insecurity and fear about the future.

* Don't use your children as liaisons between you and your spouse.

* Don't interfere in your children's relationship with your spouse by trying to manipulate them into thinking of you as the "good parent" and your spouse as the "bad parent."

* Don't pressure your kids to choose sides.

* Avoid making dramatic changes in their daily routines. As much as possible, keep everything in their lives just as it was. Children generally don't like change, and divorce is change enough.

* Don't attempt to assuage your guilt over how your divorce may affect them — or try to get them to align with you solely and reject their other parent — by giving them special gifts or privileges or by relaxing your discipline with them.

* Avoid making your children your confidantes. Keep your adult worries and concerns to yourself or share them only with other adults.

* Don't look to your children for comforting. It should work the other way around.

* Don't expect your child to become "the little man" or "the little woman" of the house. Your kids are kids, not surrogate spouses.

Time can heal the wounds a divorce brings to a family. For the healing process to work, parents need to be committed to showing respect for one another, using open communication, and having a lot of patience with their children. Enjoy your children and let them be children when they are with you. Take care of yourself, so that you can take care of your children, and remember that when one door closes, another one opens.

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